For some reason lately I have been very melancholy -- you know, the fancified word for sad. I feel like a lot of things in my life have been turned upside down. I am settled into a new office at work but at the expense of my former colleague who sued the city and finally got her settlement this week. She is now off to greener pastures for awhile until she can figure out what's next. Another co-worker of mine left this past fall to work at an insurance company. Both of my former colleagues have moved on, but I wonder if I'm stuck. This time last year I was working with a job coach who I thought would help me decide whether I should stay or go, but that didn't work out quite the way I thought it would/hoped it would. I was full of hope and optimism this time last year but I'm not now. I know that's the way life goes, but it can be sad sometimes.
This summer they started tearing down the old Animal Friends building where I first adopted my beloved cats Boris and Natasha. The building is now totally down and the lot full of rubble.
I've mentioned the loss of my Friday night routine with the cancellation of two of my favorite TV shows.
My "family" has also gone through some changes. My partner's life has taken an unexpected new direction. My mother is getting ready to tear down my maternal grandparent's house. I have an emotional attachment to this house. It has sat empty since my grandmother died in 2008. My mom essentially stripped the house of all of the fixtures, doors, windows, etc. I haven't been in it for quite awhile. I just can't bear to go in since I have such fond memories of that house. It was a safe refuge for me as a kid who grew up in a pretty bad family. My grandparents had an above the ground swimming pool that we use to swim in pratically day and night. I remember coming in for a break and my grandmother would serve me the ham or roast beef leftovers as sandwiches slathered in mayonaise on white bread. She would sit and talk with me about all kinds of things. She would take a break from watching her "stories." I really miss her and my grandpa. They both lived very long, full lives and I was lucky to have them both living well into my forties although the light went out of my grandmother's eyes when she got into her mid eighties and all of her friends started to die. When the house gets torn down it will be so weird to see the gaping space where it used to be.
I got a new sponsor in Alanon after my former sponsor had a health issue.
And I am lonely at work and in my personal life -- I have lost some friends over the past few years and I need to start making new friends which is daunting for me because I assume people won't like me. But, with the help of Alanon I am slowly overcoming some of this fear. And I do have some good friends, my friend James in West Virgina has been such a wonderful, great friend, Lisel and Joe, the Sarahs. So I have to be thankful for these people in my life.
The one constant in my life that always brings me joy is music. Sue and I went to Cleveland several summers ago to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. A fantastic place for music lovers! During the trip Sue indulged my wish to visit a local Indie music store. We went to a small store called Music Saves. And that about sums it up for me, all through my life, I have always loved and had music. From records, to cassettes to CDs to mp3s I have always surrounded myself with music. It's a great passion for me. Too bad I can't figure out how to make a career out of it. When I was a kid I wanted to be a rock star. And I would have been a great rock star except for the small problem that I can neither sing nor play an instrument. Minor detail in the punk community but I was more of a classic girl.
Speaking of music, there is a new Bright Eyes CD out which I want to get. The critics haven't liked it, but they didn't like the last CD called Cassadaga and I really liked it so this time I won't pay attention to the critics. And if there are still tickets left to see the Decemberists next week, when I get paid, I just might buy a ticket and go. And I may go this weekend to my favorite religious place, Paul's CDs in Bloomfield. I have a recurring nightmare that Paul's closes and I surely don't want that to happen and be another change in my life!
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